Fear of Failure

For those that read my last blog (“17 minutes”), you know that my [hindquarter kicking] coach totally pushed me out of my comfort zone by having me write, and post, a blog in 17 minutes. When we first discussed it, that just wasn’t possible – not with anything I wanted anyone to read!

Surprisingly, the result was not just a post that met the assignment criteria, but one people can relate to and get something out of. Additionally, I felt confident in my ability to take on and succeed in a way I didn’t think possible – and do it on demand.

So my coach, never one to give up on an opportunity to up the ante (and my discomfort!), graciously gave me another go.

Somehow this time I pulled an extra 6 minutes out of her.  6 extra minutes seems to have given me time to do some processing out loud, and so you can see how I was able to ultimately connect and get to the root of some seemingly random thoughts. The connections may not be identical to your own, but I hope inside of sharing my story, you can discover your version of what drives you.

Timer on!

I must say that after my last coaching assignment, I’ve been lit up. When I look at my gut, what I’m feeling deep inside (when I turn the “analyzer” part of my brain off and simply feel what’s there) there’s a confidence that wasn’t there before.

There’s knowing I can do something, there’s even knowing I can be good at it – but trusting myself to always be able to bring it, on demand? That’s where my lack of trust lives. It’s like, I have this ability to do so much. I’m smart, educated, experienced, and I’ve learned how to listen, on a deeper level. If I have those abilities, I should (oops, notice the word “should”! The way we talk to ourselves matters!) be able to pull them out at any time. I “should” always be the absolute best version of myself, even if charting new territory.

THIS is what keeps me down in life.

THIS is the “imposter syndrome” at work. THIS is how “the way we talk to ourselves matters”. I never fully got the connection of some of my past blogs to each other, and how when you thread them together, there’s a bigger story at play.

When I have bouts of a lack of confidence, or fear over taking a risk, it’s not trusting that I can count on myself to bring my best.

And what that means… it’s back to that fear of failure. And the fear of failure – not the act of failing, but the disappointment I perceive I’ll cause others, or even worse, lack of trust in me – that keeps me from taking that action on the things I really want, really care about.

Seeing that makes me sad, in an “oh, I wish I had more confidence to do X” way. I’m unfulfilled, may start “should”-ing myself in my language, but it’s livable. Some areas of my life are just fine, I’ll go focus on those. I have lots that works for me, maybe I just want too much.

But the REAL fear – that’s trying and failing. What will people think of me? Will they lose all confidence in me? HA – that’s the real rub. If I try, and fail, people may give up on me. “Being a disappointment”, as I’ve mentioned before, is a deep fear for me. And what makes it such a fear, is that I have it that it’s permanent.

Do people really have nothing better to do than to look at me as that disappointment, judging and giving up on me? When I stop and think about it, of course not! People have their own lives to manage, their own cares. Not to mention, the experience I gain from successes AND failures. I’m not out to “achieve” something in my life, I’m out to grow.

If I look back at where I am today and I think to who I was just a few short years ago, I don’t recognize myself. I never would have chosen this path back then because it just wasn’t possible. I am not sure I even could have seen it as an option to fail at, at the time! It was so far-fetched.

By living my life from a “fear of failure”, I’m living as if who I am now is totally fixed, totally set, and this is all there is – using the skills I’ve already developed, having access to the knowledge that’s readily available to me, that I can easily look up or can remember if I’ve forgotten.

The actual fear, I am discovering, is that I’ll discover that I’m as good as I’m going to get, that there is no more growth for me.

And once again, I am struck with the irony – if I live in that fear that I’m as good as I’m going to get and I stop trying, I will be as good as I’m going to get.

If I keep moving forward, keep living life, keep taking on what’s next, there’s no failure to be had. Only growth into areas I had no idea even existed, and so were never possible for me – until now.

To be continued….

Have you ever known that you are not taking the next action in some area of your life, and aren’t sure what will make the difference?

Have you ever felt like there must be a next action to take but you have no idea what it is? 

Have you ever felt “unsettled” or “nervous” or “scared” at the thought of taking an action, and so you stopped?

What if you didn’t stop?

Give me a call, and let’s look together!